I've been realizing a few things lately. One of the main things being that I really don't know who I am. I mean,...I know that I love my Lord God Almighty and nothing is more solid in my life. But who am I? What are my likes? What are my dislikes? Honestly....I have no idea. I was trained as child to not express my opinions. To merely sit back and let the adults have the say and I merely keep quiet. Before this 'training' I was a very bossy kid, (frankly tell me what kid isn't?). Well anyway, I was the leader, I had no problems leading people, and telling them what to do and how to do it. But now....I can't even tell my own siblings to do things. I seem wishy washy, unable to make a sound decision without wondering if I'm making the wrong choice.
In order not to offend anyone I keep quiet and always say the right things. Why may you ask? Because that's who I thought I was, it may really be who I am...I don't know. People around me are telling me that I'm not brave enough, I'm not outgoing enough, I'm not tough enough. Really? Well that's interesting when you see two sweet children walk into a room (peacefully) your clawing at the ceiling. I'm not a frail little creature. Give me 6 kids, that are running and screaming through the house and I'd tell you I'm the most content person on the planet. Kids scream when they're happy...and when they're hurt. Your fear-factor, shouldn't kick in until you hear the defined scream.
But aside from screaming. I have a stubborn streak a mile wide. You even think of messing with my friends or family, and honey I tell you right here and now you will not be waking up unscathed. I am not defentless with a steel baseball bad...(And I wonder why my parents wont let me get a sword...heh.)
I think I have a sense of humor. It mainly comes out when I talk tough. Not like talking tough is an act, but it is funny when I try to do it, because people take me as the innocent girl that sits in a chair all day like an ivalid.
I do play my personality on people. I'm not innocent. (are any of us?) I've done things in my past that I'm not proud of. But my goal is to do everything in my power to honor the Lord. (and sometimes...*excited voice* I even use HIS power:p haha)
People put me in a box. My 'innocent' face, and my connetion to my parents makes people think I'm the sterotypical 'goodie goodie'. It's always angered me to be referred to that. But I have to really think about what I've shown people. They have really every reason to believe me to be that person.
I'm not a bad person, so I don't want to continuously say that I'm NOT INNOCENT and glare at all the people around me, put on black leather and chrome spikes.
I'm modest. (who cares? Frankly all the skin tight shirts sicken me, especially because not very many women have the 'pencil' thin frame.) I like wearing dresses and skirts because they make me feel feminine. No, I don't try to impress guys. I wear them for me, because I enjoy being a women and the whole "equality of genders and being better than men" syndrome many women have can go down the drain for all I care.
No I've never had a boyfriend. Never wanted one really. Guys right now are stupid, (pardon my saying so, brothers, but you are and you can't deny it.) They may be brilliant in smarts, but they lack the ability to really care, to want to care even. If you try to connect emotionally with them, it's like hitting a steel wall. Or you get the other extreme, where they are amazing, they connect with you emotionally and you talk to them and you feel a strong bond between you. But...they are lacking either spiritually or in brains.
I'm picky! YES I ADMIT IT! I have a long list of things my future husband has to have before I even consider marriage. And you wanna know what? None of them have anything to do with what he looks like. (okay I'm a bit selfish and I pray for brown eyes and taller than me....okay confession time is over....)
What I desire is simple, he has to love the Lord more than me. He has to desire the Lord more than me, and he has to go to the Lord for advice more than me. Simple requests right? Yeah I know. So I'll end an old maid and live contentedly with my Lord God Almighty!
I guess the whole point of this is to find out who I am. I need a sound personality to show people. If I never find it, I feel like I'll be a liar. Making people think I'm a kind of person that I'm not. Who am I? I don't know, but My name is Nicole. Why am I writing this? I could ask you a question too....Why are you reading it?
5 comments:
Hmmmm, you know I'm not sure, well I take that back. I've struggled with identity plenty of times. You know what I found out? I'm really just a mouse named squeaker that has been entrusted with many things that God intends her to use, however to use them she has to leave her happy little mouse whole, and she doesn't like that because there's an offal obnoxious elephant living just outside the door that likes to squash her. But all that aside, God always gives the ability to do what he's called us too. As for you young lady. You are a flyer. Sometimes i wish I could explain this, but you excell in difficulty even if yo don't feel like it. I've watched this trait grow and mature, and I am positive God intends to use it to bless others someday. I just hope i get to sit on the sidelines and watch.
-Chell
Thanks Chell, you mean so much to me. You've always been there for me to cry on the phone with, or to beat me with a pillow.
You are solid. I've always admired that about you. You've always seemed to be rooted and on the ground, like a tree with deep roots. You may have terrible winds blowing around you, but you are always solid and trusting in your roots. Which are with the Lord.
*hugs*
~Nicole
It seems as though you are on a journey to yourself. My advice (which you don't have to accept) is that you simply be yourself, disregard insults, accept constructive criticism, and live your life according to the Lord. God Bless.
Thanks Araken. It really does mean a lot to have someone's advice.
Thank you and may the Lord rain down blessings on you as well,
~Nicole.
Do I dare show my face after that little tirade against stupid guys? *Peeks around*
"Why are you reading it?" Because I consider you a friend, and am interested in what you have to say.
If you don't know "who you are" (an overused phrase, I know), then just do whatever comes naturally to you.
Post a Comment