Thoughts of Nicole…such an odd title don’t you think? Would you really like to hear my thoughts? I don’t think you would. The turmoil and emotion that would blast you could, and probably would, be too much for you to handle.
Have you ever felt isolated? Of course you have…most of us have. It’s pathetic to think how depressed I am at the moment. The words I’m writing on this very sheet are not making sense or even remotely relating to the emotions welling within me. I wish to fight this burning plague that is enveloping me with its icy dead arms. Will I be free? Will I ever be free of this demon that torments me, telling me of promises being forgotten, of words falling to the ground like dust in the wind, and of love only turning around to slash at my body till it bleeds? I try to make sense of the world around me and only darkness does my mind meet. It searches in vain as it tries to comprehend what’s going on. *shakes head*
Why does my heart scream in agony when my mind tells me it’s dead? It says there is no hope. That all my dreams will all fall through. My fantasies are childish and I should not put faith in them. What troubles a mind? Troubles it so much that mere words cannot express the turmoil of it’s suffering?
Music falls dead on my ears. Light does not dance upon the sparking ground. Clouds do not seem to flutter across the sky. Only death and destruction meet my foreseeing gaze.
It was silly of me to hope, silly of me to dream, silly of me to care. Why care when there is no hope? Why care when you cannot be sure of your future? Perhaps I should go back to the way I used to be; enveloping myself into the same cocoon of despair. I need to look up on my life again and really look at it. Will this kill me in the end? I don’t know… I don’t know if I’ll survive till the end.
What makes a heart cry out before pain comes to it? Why must we cherish things to much it hurts? How can a mere thought tear open your soul? Why must I cherish and desire something that will never be mine? How can I have these feelings for something that will never be within my grasp?
Take me into your wings Father! Take this from me again!! Why can’t it stay within your grasp? Why does it torment me everyday with new fury?! Take it Father! Take it all! This pain is too much. You yourself said that I will not be given anything that I cannot handle. I can’t handle this. So I give it to you. Take it from me. Heal my heart, renew my mind. Envelop me with YOUR arms. Cast away this demon. I want to feel like a safe lamb in your arms again. Let me bury my tear stained face in your neck. Hold me while I sob my emotions away…..
~Nicole
