Sometimes choices are easy...sometimes they're hard; but most of the time they are difficult. I'm facing some very difficult choices at the moment...mainly reguarding friendships. I have some very close friends that are depending on me more than they are the Lord. Spending more time with me than the Lord. This breaks my heart. Not because I want them away from me, but because I'm before my amazing God. Why should I be put ahead of Him! My loving God who's only desire is to give them love and spend time with them.
Now my choice stands. Do I continue on this path with my friends and lead them away from Him unintentionally? Or do I stand and fight my own selfish desires and cut down the time I spend with them dramatically? If I remove myself, and keep myself distant, but still there, I can better help them. I can encourage them to seek the Lord when I'm not there....
*sigh* I never want to lose my friends...but I don't want the Lord to lose them more.
~Nicole ♥
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Saturday, February 9, 2008
This is my piano...Um...I don't think we have a running relationship going, but it does sound very nice. Needs tuning though...(I think this is one of the times I wish I had colored Synesthesia.) But here he/she is...I have never learned how to play or read notes, but I can play some complex songs...all Ren's composing mind you. She's brilliant!
As for a personality and relationship status...uh...none at the moment. I believe she's a girl, because she sounds so beautiful. I might put up a video recording of her sound later...might mind you. I have a whole day planned of video recordings! Muwahahahahahahahaha!
So...Van...now be happy! :p
~Nicole
P.S.- oye...picky friends ;) here's a link back to Van's origonal post. Van's
Friday, February 8, 2008
Knowing yourself
I've been realizing a few things lately. One of the main things being that I really don't know who I am. I mean,...I know that I love my Lord God Almighty and nothing is more solid in my life. But who am I? What are my likes? What are my dislikes? Honestly....I have no idea. I was trained as child to not express my opinions. To merely sit back and let the adults have the say and I merely keep quiet. Before this 'training' I was a very bossy kid, (frankly tell me what kid isn't?). Well anyway, I was the leader, I had no problems leading people, and telling them what to do and how to do it. But now....I can't even tell my own siblings to do things. I seem wishy washy, unable to make a sound decision without wondering if I'm making the wrong choice.
In order not to offend anyone I keep quiet and always say the right things. Why may you ask? Because that's who I thought I was, it may really be who I am...I don't know. People around me are telling me that I'm not brave enough, I'm not outgoing enough, I'm not tough enough. Really? Well that's interesting when you see two sweet children walk into a room (peacefully) your clawing at the ceiling. I'm not a frail little creature. Give me 6 kids, that are running and screaming through the house and I'd tell you I'm the most content person on the planet. Kids scream when they're happy...and when they're hurt. Your fear-factor, shouldn't kick in until you hear the defined scream.
But aside from screaming. I have a stubborn streak a mile wide. You even think of messing with my friends or family, and honey I tell you right here and now you will not be waking up unscathed. I am not defentless with a steel baseball bad...(And I wonder why my parents wont let me get a sword...heh.)
I think I have a sense of humor. It mainly comes out when I talk tough. Not like talking tough is an act, but it is funny when I try to do it, because people take me as the innocent girl that sits in a chair all day like an ivalid.
I do play my personality on people. I'm not innocent. (are any of us?) I've done things in my past that I'm not proud of. But my goal is to do everything in my power to honor the Lord. (and sometimes...*excited voice* I even use HIS power:p haha)
People put me in a box. My 'innocent' face, and my connetion to my parents makes people think I'm the sterotypical 'goodie goodie'. It's always angered me to be referred to that. But I have to really think about what I've shown people. They have really every reason to believe me to be that person.
I'm not a bad person, so I don't want to continuously say that I'm NOT INNOCENT and glare at all the people around me, put on black leather and chrome spikes.
I'm modest. (who cares? Frankly all the skin tight shirts sicken me, especially because not very many women have the 'pencil' thin frame.) I like wearing dresses and skirts because they make me feel feminine. No, I don't try to impress guys. I wear them for me, because I enjoy being a women and the whole "equality of genders and being better than men" syndrome many women have can go down the drain for all I care.
No I've never had a boyfriend. Never wanted one really. Guys right now are stupid, (pardon my saying so, brothers, but you are and you can't deny it.) They may be brilliant in smarts, but they lack the ability to really care, to want to care even. If you try to connect emotionally with them, it's like hitting a steel wall. Or you get the other extreme, where they are amazing, they connect with you emotionally and you talk to them and you feel a strong bond between you. But...they are lacking either spiritually or in brains.
I'm picky! YES I ADMIT IT! I have a long list of things my future husband has to have before I even consider marriage. And you wanna know what? None of them have anything to do with what he looks like. (okay I'm a bit selfish and I pray for brown eyes and taller than me....okay confession time is over....)
What I desire is simple, he has to love the Lord more than me. He has to desire the Lord more than me, and he has to go to the Lord for advice more than me. Simple requests right? Yeah I know. So I'll end an old maid and live contentedly with my Lord God Almighty!
I guess the whole point of this is to find out who I am. I need a sound personality to show people. If I never find it, I feel like I'll be a liar. Making people think I'm a kind of person that I'm not. Who am I? I don't know, but My name is Nicole. Why am I writing this? I could ask you a question too....Why are you reading it?
In order not to offend anyone I keep quiet and always say the right things. Why may you ask? Because that's who I thought I was, it may really be who I am...I don't know. People around me are telling me that I'm not brave enough, I'm not outgoing enough, I'm not tough enough. Really? Well that's interesting when you see two sweet children walk into a room (peacefully) your clawing at the ceiling. I'm not a frail little creature. Give me 6 kids, that are running and screaming through the house and I'd tell you I'm the most content person on the planet. Kids scream when they're happy...and when they're hurt. Your fear-factor, shouldn't kick in until you hear the defined scream.
But aside from screaming. I have a stubborn streak a mile wide. You even think of messing with my friends or family, and honey I tell you right here and now you will not be waking up unscathed. I am not defentless with a steel baseball bad...(And I wonder why my parents wont let me get a sword...heh.)
I think I have a sense of humor. It mainly comes out when I talk tough. Not like talking tough is an act, but it is funny when I try to do it, because people take me as the innocent girl that sits in a chair all day like an ivalid.
I do play my personality on people. I'm not innocent. (are any of us?) I've done things in my past that I'm not proud of. But my goal is to do everything in my power to honor the Lord. (and sometimes...*excited voice* I even use HIS power:p haha)
People put me in a box. My 'innocent' face, and my connetion to my parents makes people think I'm the sterotypical 'goodie goodie'. It's always angered me to be referred to that. But I have to really think about what I've shown people. They have really every reason to believe me to be that person.
I'm not a bad person, so I don't want to continuously say that I'm NOT INNOCENT and glare at all the people around me, put on black leather and chrome spikes.
I'm modest. (who cares? Frankly all the skin tight shirts sicken me, especially because not very many women have the 'pencil' thin frame.) I like wearing dresses and skirts because they make me feel feminine. No, I don't try to impress guys. I wear them for me, because I enjoy being a women and the whole "equality of genders and being better than men" syndrome many women have can go down the drain for all I care.
No I've never had a boyfriend. Never wanted one really. Guys right now are stupid, (pardon my saying so, brothers, but you are and you can't deny it.) They may be brilliant in smarts, but they lack the ability to really care, to want to care even. If you try to connect emotionally with them, it's like hitting a steel wall. Or you get the other extreme, where they are amazing, they connect with you emotionally and you talk to them and you feel a strong bond between you. But...they are lacking either spiritually or in brains.
I'm picky! YES I ADMIT IT! I have a long list of things my future husband has to have before I even consider marriage. And you wanna know what? None of them have anything to do with what he looks like. (okay I'm a bit selfish and I pray for brown eyes and taller than me....okay confession time is over....)
What I desire is simple, he has to love the Lord more than me. He has to desire the Lord more than me, and he has to go to the Lord for advice more than me. Simple requests right? Yeah I know. So I'll end an old maid and live contentedly with my Lord God Almighty!
I guess the whole point of this is to find out who I am. I need a sound personality to show people. If I never find it, I feel like I'll be a liar. Making people think I'm a kind of person that I'm not. Who am I? I don't know, but My name is Nicole. Why am I writing this? I could ask you a question too....Why are you reading it?
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