Toys, Family, and Sleeping.......

Oh the bloggity blog blog of it all… Doesn’t it just suck when all you want to do is sleep, but you made this promise that you have to keep before you’re able to? Well that’s me. Right now. And because of you guys! See how devoted to you I am? You should worship the very ground I walk on! (Yes. Seriously…worship…not.) Anyway. I’m exhausted beyond belief. I didn’t sleep last night because of the stress and today I haven’t slept either. So to clarify. I’m FREAKING TIRED! Just in case you didn’t get the idea. So, in short. This blog shall be even shorter than the one before. I can hear your collective gasps already. I’m sure this has killed you. You have my sincerest apologies.

The Past:

Ah…the past again. Where were we? Oh yes, spoiled brat. Well added to being spoiled, I also got a lazy eye when I went to kindergarden, and no one knew why. But it effected me greatly. Kids were mean and did not want to be my friend because I looked weird. I gradually became more and more desperate for friends and used my many toys to impress the kids, and sometimes even gave the precious toy away to someone, so that they would be my friend. Lame? Yes. (Why yes, I was that pathetic child that no one wanted to talk to as a kid).

The Present:

Wow…what can I even say here besides. HE’S HERE! My boyfriend is here!! My family, who has never met him, seem to like him a lot. Aside from my mother, who does not like the idea of him living in the same house as me. While I can see this logic…I still feel a little indignant about it. Ah well.

The Future:

What do I want for the future? I would say that what I want in the future, at this very moment, is to be able to go to the same college as my boyfriend…I know it seems selfish. But it is what I want. I just don’t want to be without him. I never want to have to live without him again. But alas, my lovelies, I’m literally falling asleep writing this. I hope and pray that your days are blessed. Take care my little stalkers!

~Nicole

Death, Lies, and Little Stalkers

So…my dear bloggers. I am late. Of course you knew that because you’ve periodically checked to see if I had kept my word of posting a blog every day for a month. Ahh…see I know the mind of the individuals…Feel my power…muwaha-never mind. Sorry if I seem a bit out of sorts tonight. I feel as if my world has just turned upside down and I had a conniption fit. I feel like Alice. Except I didn’t get the choice to follow the white rabbit. (Why the heck did she follow the white rabbit? I mean…who follows a white rabbit with a clock right? Crazy.)

But alas, I digress. Today has been one of the most insane days of my life. I feel as if my emotions once again have ridden that terror of a roller coaster, but instead of the same ride, it’s been 20 times higher than before and a billion times faster. But…I shall leave that for the present section. (Yes I know, you’re disappointed, I’m sure.) This blog is going to be a bit shoter…considering it’s going to be posted late. But hey! I started writing it when it was the day…so that counts, right? Right. I knew you’d agree with me.

The Past:

Okay…so where were we? (Has anyone else noticed that when we say that, there’s far to many words with w’s in them? Ugh. Just did it again.) Right. I was born… Now I had three older half brothers. Very much older than I, actually. The youngest was ten years older. Things seemed peachy for a while. Of course I was a babe and don’t remember but a few snippets here and there of my childhood. But people tell me it was great. But then. Tragedy struck and my mother passed away from cancer just a month after I turned 4 years old. A flurry of things happened after that. But I will keep it short as to not bore you to sleeping and waking up later with the imprint of a keyboard upon your face. (See how kind and considerate I am?) But pretty much what occurred is that my dad couldn’t take care of the four of us. So my two oldest brothers moved out and my youngest-oldest brother was placed with other family. I, therefore was left with my father. Taking care of him as best a 4 year old could, with the tv as my only form of comfort and entertainment. (Aside from my dad and I’s frequent trips to McDonalds for ice cream cones.) I gradually became a spoiled brat, in every sense of the word. People felt sorry for me for losing my mother, and therefore, gave me whatever I wanted. (Not the best idea to a child, but it wasn’t exactly my choice.) But here I shall stop, because the next section of the past is tragic and I’d rather get on with the present!

The Present:

Wow, where to begin. I don’t know. But I suppose I should start from the beginning of the day. I slept in this morning. Why, you may ask? Well it’s because I was too stressed out about the college thing to sleep. So it was about 12 before I was awake and ready to face the world. Face the world as much as I could anyway. I was severely depressed. Now hold on, I’m not going to cry about my troubles to you and make you hit that magic back button, so just hear me out, okay? It had been a long time since I had actually gotten to really talk to my boyfriend. Sure we shared the occational text during the day, but it wasn’t nearly enough. Within that hour, I had found out my boyfriend had the same depressing mood. This brought us to depressing talk. We’re long distance, so it’s even harder on us. He felt worthless and said I deserved better. I know what you’re thinking. “I thought you said this wasn’t going to be a teenage soap opera! You LIED!” Yeah yeah…perhaps I did. But can you allow me a BIT of the dramatics? Please? Sheesh. You’re so demanding. Hehe.

Anyway…We talked for about two hours. And then. Out of the blue. He decides he’s coming out to California. He’s running away from home to come live with me until we can settle things with his parents. (They do not approve of us.) Yes…I know. It was drastic. Probably stupid. But it was impulsive. And I can’t help but be torn between multiple feelings. I’m scared for him. I’m so horribly sad that his family is going through this. I hurt for him and all he’s going through, but I can’t help but be really excited that he’s coming out here to see me…

So Yes. He will be here tomorrow. And will probably be watching me write my next blog. Exciting for you? No. Exciting for me? HECK YES!

The Future:

Well this section changed A LOT from the last blog. What is the future going to hold? I have no clue. I do know that I want to finish my education, and so does my boyfriend. So we’ll just take things one step at a time. But things got a whole lot less complicated by him coming out here, I think. Now I don’t have to feel bad about going to a school out here in Cali. He’ll be with me! (Yeah yeah, I know. Moosh. Deal with it.) Love you ya little stalkers. Until tomorrow. Er. Today by 19 min.

~Nicole

Births, Boys, and the Loch ness Monster

Hey, How are you? My name’s Nicole…and these are my thoughts…

You may be asking yourself why you’re here…reading this blog…wondering why the heck I’m thinking of what you’re thinking. But you’re probably avoiding some task you’re supposed to be doing, procrastinating on some chore, or simply blocking out the world for a moment, hoping to get a little piece from the insanity of life.

Well, let me tell you something.

This blog is going to be about the insanity of life. Now wait just a second. Before you reach that mouse up to the back or close button on your browser, hang on a sec. This is about the insanity of my life. Oh yes…I know what you’re thinking… “Why should I read about the insanity of your life when I have my own to deal with?” Well my intellectual friends, I shall enlighten you. It is because we as humans for some unknown reason (Though probably known to some scientist or psychologist) like to hear other people’s problems. Not when these problems are presented to them in such a way that , but we like to hear other people’s problems because they make us feel better about our lives. Because our lives are so much better than theirs. So there. I have successfully wasted three minutes of your time. Are you ready for more? …

…There seems to be a lot of glutens for punishment in the world…

Alrighty then, let’s get on with the story.

I’m going to be doing a daily blog for a month. Why did I choose a month? Well it’s simple really, a week is too short and a year is too big of a promise. A promise I will almost undoubtedly break one day. So there you have it. A month. Ohhh yay…such a big ordeal, right? We should all metaphorically pat Nicole on her back for picking a dealine. Good job.

Anyway…

This blog will be organized as such. I will have a brief (and sometimes not so brief) introduction where I ramble on about pointless things to get me into the mood to write. (Face it, sometimes it’s not so easy to get in the groove of opening up your mind and puking out your sentiments for the world to trample on.) After the intro, we’ll break up the rest in to three parts. The past, the present, and the future. Ohhh don’t I sound like Charles Dickens now? (Is it sad I totally googled that to make sure I didn’t sound like an idiot?) I figured it would be appropriate since it’s only been two days since Christmas. But there you have it; the elusive organizational pattern. Queue the collective gasps.

The Past:

Hmm…where to even begin. Where does one start when telling a story of the past? How do you know where to begin? It’s not so easy as to start with. Once upon a time… Because my life isn’t a fairy tale (however much I wish it were…). So let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

I…was born. Shocker, I know. I was a healthy baby, more or less, at least to my knowledge. Who knows, there could be some conspiracy that people are trying to keep from me. Never letting me know that implanted within my body is the cure to cancer. Heck I could be the next da Vinci code and never know it! But aside from that…(No, I do not suffer from paranoia…much.). I was born with white skin, dark hair, and blue eyes. Which, when said in that way, doesn’t really say much of anything. “Oh, did you have ten fingers and toes too?” Why yes…I did. What makes this so odd is that my mother was dark skinned, with very dark hair and brown eyes. I look nothing like my mother, or half my family for that matter. When I’m with them it’s like I’m the white head on a perfectly smooth copper face. Yes, I really just did compare myself to a pimple. But, aside from not looking like my mother, I definitely look like my father. Sort of odd because I’ve always thought children to be a mix of their parents.

I feel as if I’ve bored you already. My apologies. We can stop here for the past today, and continue tomorrow. Where I shall bore you to death some more! Doesn’t that sound thrilling? I thought so too.

The Present:

Ahh…the ever daunting present… It’s what keeps us locked away in our rooms, tormented by what we have to face. What keeps us happy or keeps us paralyzed with fear. But it’s also a gift. That cliché phrase comes to mine. The past is history, the future is a mystery, and today is a gift, that’s what it’s called the present. I wish I could look on it as a gift right now. But alas it is a little hard for me to do it.

You see, right now I feel like I’m suffocating. Yeah yeah, I know dramatic. In reality I’m not suffocating. I’m typing on a computer, eating whoppers while my sister is in the bed above me clipping her nails. Oh and my dog is curled up beside me as we’re both soaking up the amazing California sun. Hang on, let me grab another whopper…

Okay I’m good now.

So currently, my situation isn’t bad…physically as least. It’s emotionally and mentally that is making my nerves get whiplash from a insane rollercoaster, screaming as they fear for their lives.

You still with me? Just checking…

So lets get down to the meat of the situation. Cause I like to be blunt (and I like meat…sorry vegitarians…) I’m in college. Currently. And will hopefully be for a while longer until I obtain my degree. I’m in my fourth year of college…with no prospect of getting my bachelors come may. Why is this, you may ask. Well it’s not because I’ve been idle, or even gotten bad grades. It’s simply because I made some choices, revolving around a boy. Not that I blame him in the least. Oh yes, I can hear you now, rolling those eyes of yours in your head. “A boy, eh? It’s always about a boy…” But isn’t it so? We girls are ridiculously pathetic. If it’s not about a boy…it’s because w’ere thinking of a boy or wishing for a boy…marrying a boy…hating a boy. The list goes on. But before you stop reading this, thinking it’s going to be some teenage drama of “Who am I? Why am I here? Why doesn’t he love me?” Please…sit down, pat down those frayed hair ends and hear me out.

I started college my last semester of high school. I don’t know if you could actually consider it “starting” though. I simply took a computer literacy class to get my feet wet. (Lets not get the impression here that I willingly took a computer literacy class…I fought my mother like a child who didn’t want to go to preschool. Embarrassing? Yes.) But, after I graduated high school I went to a community college for the two years I was supposed to, and graduated with my associates degree in computer animation. Awesome? Heck ya!

Wait…this is turning into the past section. Hmm…let me summarize and we’ll get to this part in more detail later in the past section. Basically. I transferred to a college in the Eastern states. Where these boys lived, and have been going there for a year and a half now. But…ahh…there’s always a but. Pretty much it’s this. I hate the major I switched to, my art teacher, who is also my advisor hates me, and I’m unable to pay for another year there because none of my family will or can cosign a loan for me (I’m paying for my college education). My current college does not have what I want to do. So…I obviously need to transfer somewhere that does have what I need. But here’s the problem. If I do transfer, this pulls me away from this said boy, who I will disclose, is my boyfriend. California is also the state with the most schools who have Computer Animation programs. So I have three options really. One of them really won’t feasibly work. I can either stay miserable at the college I’m at, and be completely broke in every possible sense of the word. I can find a college still in the east with my program, but I’ll be 4 hours or more from my boyfriend. Or…I can go back to my home. California. And I can attend a school out here…at a lower cost. Oh the drama, right?

Seems pretty pathetic actually…when I write it all down. But alas. That’s what this blog is for. To ease my mind of the petty troubles it contains. So…without further ado. The final section

The Future:

This one is going to be short for this blog entry. Because I’m not going to go over any more drama that I just covered.

But! What do I want to do when I grow up? Is it bad that whenever I see “grow up?” the toys r us song comes into my head? “I don’t wanna grow up, I’m a toys r us kid!” I think my lameness level just exceeded it’s maximum capacity. Ugh.

So when I grow up. I want to travel. It’s always been a dream of mine to see the world, and explore it. Which is why I’m not afraid to transfer schools or move across the country. I want to see old buildings, historical places, I want to run in England rain, tour the great city of Roma, swim with dolphins, and spend a week trying to find the Loch Ness Monster. Pointless things…but they’re also very dear dreams to me. And I hope one day I can fulfill them. So ya. That is my future. And that is my blog. Tune in next time for your daily fill of Nicole and her sarcastically boring blog. Thanks for reading guys. Until next time

~Nicole

November 6th blog!!! (Hey...only a day late!)

November 6th 2008

GOOD MORNING AMERICA! It’s amazing to me. Parts of America really ARE beautiful! :D

Oh my goodness!!! Today was totally awesome! (Aside from the fact that I slept in til 11 am…:p Which is like…8 my time.) Well it started out with my great aunt and aunt were tickling my feet and pushing on my back …trying to act like dashie waking me up ;) It was funny and I woke up laughing. We got dressed…and I refused food again (I just don’t like eating in strange places where I don’t feel comfortable…it’s a weird gut reaction :p Anywho…) I did eventually eat a little bit of coffee cake.

So we got in the car and drove to my other great aunts work and showed off the little baby ;) I got hugs. (like always. I love hugs!) and we left pretty quickly after that, cause my aunt had to go to a meeting.

So we went to this really neat place called Ogelbay It was SOOOOOOOO pretty!!! They have COLORED LEAVES HERE!!! I think I acted more dog than human…while we were driving I had my head stuck out of the window staring at the beautiful colors of the FOREST! (*squeals* YES! They have trees here!!!) The air smells so gorgeous…it’s amazing! I never want to go home! Seriously…never… I don’t know if I can bear the boring brown desert after this…

But yeah. So we parked and ate our meat sandwhiches under the huge trees that were dropping their orange and red leaves…It was like…perfect. The only thing that would have made it more perfect…was…to have someone there with me to share it J

We drove around for pretty much the rest of the day…and I inhaled the precious air. I hope I never forget that luscious smell… =D

And we got pizza and drove back to the house…I txted a bit and talked to a few people.

Oh! On a REALLY big second note! My mom’s started having my little brother!!! While I’m gone!!! What the heck is up with that?!

Okay…I’m really really tired. I’m going to sleep now. Sorry for the rather short note on today. Hopefully tomorrow will be more interesting.

Laters all!!

~Gan♥

November 5th blog!!! (yes...it's late)

Day 1 (A.K.A- November 5th…er…6th?)

Welps folks. It is the…DAY OF RECONING! I have experienced things…seen things….done things that NO ONE HAS EVER DONE BEFORE! …(aside from the countless millions that actually have a life ;) )

Well anyway. Here’s how my day…er…yesterday went (since it’s like after 1am here right now. :p )

Well I finished packing my suitcase at around 1am Tuesday night (see a pattern here? Hmm…) Well I finished packing…grabbed dashie from my sister’s bed, cause he was sleeping in there and I curled him up by my side and slept with him until 5:30am. Then I woke up, got a shower and woke up my sister. During that time…I attempted to blow dry my hair nicely…<.< I only succeeded in making myself a giant frizz ball. But ah well, such is life. So I go on with my frizz ball. (Got a couple blatant stares from a couple guys :p I think they thought it was weird to see an albino with an afro… ;) ) So after I’m dressed and packed and heading out the door…I get told the car that I’m supposed to take, I can’t. Soooo yeah. Then I have to wait til dad fixes the van so I can drive it. When that’s done…me and my sister get inside and start driving off to Jess’s house, cause my sister is going to hang out with Jess’s younger sister. Yup…don’t’ feel ashamed if you’re confused…it took me a good ten min to figure out how to put it on paper. So we drive to her house and I go inside for a few min, since I don’t have to be at my aunt’s house until about 8am. I get there and Jess didn’t even go to sleep that night. Yes…bad Jess! Jon (her bro) comes out with this wicked bed head. I’m like “Nice hair.” and he responds with no hesitation “Yeah, I like yours too.” <.< Yeah…dude…don’t mess with ma AFRO!

So then…Jess tells me how she’s jealous of my trip *silent laughter* and I go and head off to my aunts house. (Yeah I am skipping minor details. I DO realize that guys are going to be reading this and they have NO real want to hear every specific detail of my day. See?! I am considerate!)

Alright…I’m cutting this way short, cause I’m uber tired.

So basically…airplanes are amazing things. Take off and landings are like giant roller coaster rides. It’s fun! ….kinda…it’s fun when you don’t have a screaming 1 year old next to you who’s so tired that she’s fighting off sleep like it’s a demon sent from hell. (no joke) So yeah…We get to Atlanta Georgia…I step off the plane, sniff the air, and am like. “Dude…it smells like fried food!” So there you have it…Georgia smells like fried food. GOOD fried food mind you. It’s a compliment. Trust me ;) I adore fried food.

ANYWAY…

So we get back on the plane and fly to Pittsburg. My little cousin is REALLY tired now. She’s screaming her head off while the plane is getting ready to take off…and when it does? THANK YOU GOD! She fell asleep. Apparently G-force makes babies sleep. Amazing don’t you think? :p So yeah…my aunt is really happy that she finally went to sleep, so we celebrate by eating our reeses peanut butter cups. :D

BUT! There’s always a but isn’t there? Don’t answer that…So anyway the stewardess comes by and is selling drinks. She figures out that the guy in front of us can speak Italian…and she’s thrilled cause she can communicate with him in Italian. So she does her job and meanders her way back over there. This time, she has a trash bag and (as all Italians do) begins talking with her hands…and very forcefully shaking the plastic bag that’s in her hands. This loud noise causes…yes…you guessed it, my cousin to wake up screaming. By now I’m wondering if I should either assist my aunt in the murder of this woman, or follow the cop car to the slammer…:p But yes…my aunt had murder in her eyes. Scary sight, I hope none of you EVER have to see it!

So my cousin is screaming/crying off an on the entire rest of the flight. When we finally get off and get her into a stroller, she starts acting a little less tired and is entertained. We meet up with my great Aunt and Uncle. That was fun :D Then we get to the car…and my uncle proceeds to tell me how I’m “Too skinny and how I need to put on some weight.” and “Breaha’s going to be 10 pounds heavier when she comes back home.”

Inside I’m screaming… “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! I’M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT! NOT GAIN ANY!!!!” But yes…for the entire rest of the night, he tried to make me eat anything and everything. (And no, I am NOT skinny.)
So we are driving home…and *grins* I got a call from one of the best guys on earth J I talked to him a while and he stated some interesting stuff. One of which shattered my heart forever…he…has…a girlfriend. *sobs* I meant so little to him! I’m hurt for all of eternity! *cuts drama and signs up for acting lessons* Yeah…gonna need those…

So now I’m here…in a house I have no idea where it is…next to my aunt on a queen sized bed. (I really hope she forgives my snoring…that and my typing…*nervous laughter* hehe…hi?) Welps I think I’m going to go to sleep now…and try to get over this newfound conundrum called…Jet leg…*ponders the thought as she hits save and posts blog…* Laters all!

~Gan♥

Cries of a Bleeding heart.

The dark ones scream
Terrors of the night
I hear them call
Them shiver with delight

They shout my name
Their voices stinging my soul
“All will be lost!”
“You will never be whole.”

Their embrace is cold
But it’s feeling non-the-less
Their nails makes me bleed.
I enjoy the pain.

Their arms wrap around me
Dragging me to the depths.
There’s nothing left for me.
I’ve failed the test.

I see your face in my mind.
You’re beautiful smile torments me
Something that I once thought was mine
Is forever lost from me.

The trust we once had.
Smashed, broken, destroyed.
I lay here writhing in pain
I loved you…couldn’t you see?

You’re gone now.
Misunderstanding breeds separation
I forgot all caution
Lost my heart in the war.
None truly see my pain
Except the father above
I have not the want to ask him for aid
My shame prevents me.

So here I am
Alone in the darkness
Mind and body apart
The voices eat my flesh.

Your adoring words haunt me
Remnant of what once was
Now can never be repaired
I drown in grief and loss.

Your smile will adorn me no more
Your laugh never will I hear
Your eyes will hold no love for me.
Their brown depths cut off.

Life holds no luster for me.
I need to let you go.
Fool my mind into believing
That I didn’t love you so.

For a while it works
The feelings have left.
I feel as if you matter no more.
My bleeding heart severed off.

Then it hits me.
The lies I told fall through
You show another your smile.
My soul cries out in agony.

Do I mean so little?
That so soon you choose another?
Have I left no mark on you?
You bear no pain of my loss.

Was it all one sided?
The feelings, laughs, tears?
Were the compliments empty?
Was I nothing?

It seems this pain will never leave
I will always abide by the loss.
Clutching my aching heart.
Praying for the sorrow to cease.

The jealousy returned
Full fury aroused.
How could you do this?
In my mind I know how…

Do I resent you for your impact on me?
God knows that’s not true.
I only regret that I never listened
To the warnings my Father gave.

You go now on with your life.
Enjoy your love, life, friends.
Leave me by the wayside.
I’ll cherish what could have been.

I’ll stand by my bleeding heart.
Watching it as it throbs with pain.
See the blood spew forth.
Know…it will never be the same.

Turmoil...

Thoughts of Nicole…such an odd title don’t you think? Would you really like to hear my thoughts? I don’t think you would. The turmoil and emotion that would blast you could, and probably would, be too much for you to handle.

Have you ever felt isolated? Of course you have…most of us have. It’s pathetic to think how depressed I am at the moment. The words I’m writing on this very sheet are not making sense or even remotely relating to the emotions welling within me. I wish to fight this burning plague that is enveloping me with its icy dead arms. Will I be free? Will I ever be free of this demon that torments me, telling me of promises being forgotten, of words falling to the ground like dust in the wind, and of love only turning around to slash at my body till it bleeds? I try to make sense of the world around me and only darkness does my mind meet. It searches in vain as it tries to comprehend what’s going on. *shakes head*

Why does my heart scream in agony when my mind tells me it’s dead? It says there is no hope. That all my dreams will all fall through. My fantasies are childish and I should not put faith in them. What troubles a mind? Troubles it so much that mere words cannot express the turmoil of it’s suffering?

Music falls dead on my ears. Light does not dance upon the sparking ground. Clouds do not seem to flutter across the sky. Only death and destruction meet my foreseeing gaze.

It was silly of me to hope, silly of me to dream, silly of me to care. Why care when there is no hope? Why care when you cannot be sure of your future? Perhaps I should go back to the way I used to be; enveloping myself into the same cocoon of despair. I need to look up on my life again and really look at it. Will this kill me in the end? I don’t know… I don’t know if I’ll survive till the end.

What makes a heart cry out before pain comes to it? Why must we cherish things to much it hurts? How can a mere thought tear open your soul? Why must I cherish and desire something that will never be mine? How can I have these feelings for something that will never be within my grasp?

Take me into your wings Father! Take this from me again!! Why can’t it stay within your grasp? Why does it torment me everyday with new fury?! Take it Father! Take it all! This pain is too much. You yourself said that I will not be given anything that I cannot handle. I can’t handle this. So I give it to you. Take it from me. Heal my heart, renew my mind. Envelop me with YOUR arms. Cast away this demon. I want to feel like a safe lamb in your arms again. Let me bury my tear stained face in your neck. Hold me while I sob my emotions away…..

~Nicole